Monday, August 22, 2011

Love, Loss, and What I Want

What I love most about life is that every single moment presents an opportunity for learning.  This past week had some ups and downs, as most do, but for some reason they hit harder... and I'm seizing the opportunity now to put down what I've learned.

I don't love the word "love".  I feel like no two people have the same definition of it, so to say it seems fruitless a lot of the time.  To me it's often an obligatory word - one filled with "ok, it's your turn next" kind of sentimentality.  This week, however, the word has come up a lot.  I love Indy more this week than I can remember loving her in a long time.  Some of that is due to us nearing our 10-year anniversary of being in NYC.  She's the one who's been there for every single moment - every boy, every job, every set-back in my ongoing negative relationship with food, every friend, every insomniac night, every Sunday blah.  She makes me laugh, she makes me feel needed, and she makes me exhibit unconditional love because that is what she gives to me.

My Little Indy-Girl (as sung to the tune of "My Little Buttercup")

My best friend is out of town this week.  We don't see each other every day.  We don't rely on each other for very much.  And we don't even always agree on things.  But he is my constant, and when we're not in the same city, things just feel slightly off.  The only time I think we really drop l-bombs to each other is when one of us goes out of town - especially on a plane.  That may be strange, but that's how we do.

The best friend a gal could have

This leads me to loss.  I can honestly say I love my family.  I am one of the fortunate ones to have an amazing, beautiful, hilarious, talented, and loving family.  We can laugh better than many, and we can love better than most.  Yesterday evening my great uncle passed.  This may not seem like much to some of you, but to my family it's the end of an era.  I didn't get to see my Uncle Fred as much as I'd like, but every time I did it was as if no time had elapsed.  He was the leader of the "Memphis Gang" and never was without a smile.  My parents were the first divorce my family had seen so how to handle the situation was foreign to everyone.  When my dad remarried, it was often an awkward whispered question in the corner when I was asked how my mother was doing.  Not with Uncle Fred.  He made it clear that whatever areas my mother and my dad differed had absolutely no bearing on the fact that she was part of the family if for no other reason than the fact that she was my mother.  This was one of the kindest things anyone could have done for me during such a difficult time, and I never forgot it.  Rest in peace, Uncle Fred, I hope you're smoking a stogie right now :)

These are the smiles heaven has right now...

Facebook seems to be blowing up with loss this week, too, and that has affected me somewhat.  The dog of a close relative, the suicide of a dear friend's brother from my hometown, the fatal heart attack of the 19-year-old boyfriend of my friend's stepdaughter, and other unexpected deaths have had me thinking a lot about how short life really is.

Pretty Daisy.  You will be missed.

Which leads me to what I want.  I had a friend ask me this week what I want in a man/relationship.  I had someone else ask me what I want out of life.  Even my horoscope asked what sounds and scents I need around me.  What's funny about that?  I had no idea how to answer these.  I'm clear with what I DON'T want.  I know I don't want someone who disregards or ignores me.  I know I don't want to settle for things that make me unhappy.  And I know I don't like the sound of smacking or the smell of dryer sheets.  But what DO I want?  Stay tuned... There's a post in progress to answer these questions coming your way.

On a lighter side note, I'm now obsessed with "Mad Men" thanks to Katie Mohr, I love Spotify, and I designed and ordered some kickin' new runners (my current ones are on the verge of killing my back).  I wish they would come in tomorrow.


  1. These shoes are GREAT! I love them. And I love this post. I have always wished you said the L-word more to me because I love to say I Love you and I really, really mean it when I say it. BUT I DO understand that you are not me and this did say that you loved. I know one thing you have taught me-there are certain people that when they DO say the L-word you KNOW they really mean it. Being my daughter, calling me and being a daughter that has made me very proud all of your life is the greatest way to say I Love You. You never got in any trouble, you never came home in a way you shouldn't, you worked hard as a teenager, you were responsible and THAT is a wonderful way to say I Love You. Thank you for being who you are and giving me something to really be proud of. so there....I love you too!!