I haven't shared much of my dating life in awhile. And I decided it's probably time.
I spent a few months dating a great guy this fall. Our time together was seriously fun, and then it started occurring to me that as wonderful as he is, we just weren't a good match. Something wasn't sitting right, and I tried to chalk it up to my ENDLESS need to sabotage and run (see The Art of Overthinking). But the gnawing feeling in my gut just kept saying, "Girl. This isn't it." I talked to him about it, decided not to waste any more time, and brought things to a close.
Since then I've had this freakishly strange peace about my life. It's like I took a stand for what my gut was telling me even if the world around me didn't see it, and this is my reward for not forcing a fit. Since any end of a relationship is sad, I worried the holidays would suck. But it really was ok (see Ho Ho Ho).
Every relationship - EVERY relationship - is a learning experience. Especially the romantic ones. You learn what you want. You learn what you don't want. You learn what's important and what's unimportant. You learn your dealbreakers. You learn your requirements, both of yourself and of your partner. You learn that focusing on minor insignificances is probably the sign of more urgent concerns. You learn to decode those signs within yourself.
I learned with this particular relationship that the dealbreakers I knew existed for me were real and unwavering. I learned that I personally cannot enter into something with the "OMG-I'm-32-and-single-and-have-to-find-someone" mentality. That has NEVER been my style, but I tried it and realized why it doesn't work for me. While a planner in life, I'm more of a go-with-the-flow kinda gal when it comes to guys - strange but true. Men and women are different for many reasons, one being that I cannot read them. And why should I have to, or try to?
So. All that to say, I need to just be for a bit. I don't want to NOT date. And I definitely don't want to be single forever, but seeking out that "perfect one" in a world where I don't fully believe that exists is paradoxical and unproductive. I like to flirt. I enjoy "the game" to an extent. I'm not "that" girl, so why try to fit into "that" mold? While I need to remember how tough the game can be (see Random Thoughts on Dating), I also need to remember it's a game for a reason - there are often winners and sometimes you lose too. I truly think in the midst of the game will come peace for me.
I hate when people ask "what are you looking for?" in the dating realm. I like to see where dating leads. That could be 1 horrific date that leads to amazing stories (i.e. Bagel Boy or Mermaids Patron). Or it could be 4 terrific dates that lead to great memories and possibly a new friend. Or that could be a long-term fella who I finally fall for. So what am I looking for? I'm looking to learn. I'm looking to be. And I may try this going with my gut thing for awhile and learn that I'm wrong. But I'm open to that too. I'm looking to ride the wave...
I've tried to play things safe. I've tried to play the game I'm supposed to play. I would say most of 2010, not just with the most recent guy. I've tried fitting into the THAT girl mold. It's just not who I am. It's foreign and wrong to me. I've decided I like messy better. It's more realistic in my current place. Not unnecessary drama, just a bit of the... off. I said that to someone the other day who responded, "Ya know. Off is often much less boring." Yes. Absolutely. Boredom is my kryptonite. Typical and traditional isn't my bag. Send me a bit of a mess to work for...
Who knows, maybe I'm the mess the Universe is sending to me to work for... Interesting thought...
The news promised a snowstorm for Saturday night, then Sunday morning, then kept pushing it back. So when several friends/family called asking if the blizzard had hit, I just said I didn't think it was gonna hit NYC. I was wrong.
Outside my apartment this morning...
Waiting for the train in 4 foot snow drifts...
Outside my office on 42nd Street... (wonder if they'll get this all cleared up by Friday for the NYE bash)
Sexy zippy boots as promised.
Trekked out in Astoria tonight to grab some pics. Astoria Blvd near the bridge is below. I did, however, fashion a fabulous wintry ensemble to wear, but I failed to get a picture of it. It included my Razorback hoodie, black leggings, red legwarmers, a red hat, and my new black rubber boots purchased today sans zipper.
The streets have clearly not had much of a plowing, but the sidewalks had a skinny little walkway.
Snow! from White Christmas...
It won't be long before we'll all be there with snow
I want to wash my hands, my face and hair with snow
I long to clear a path and lift a spade of snow
Oh, to see a great big man entirely made of snow
Where it's snowing
All winter through
That's where I want to be
That's what I'll do
How I'm longing to ski
Through the snow-oh-oh-oh-oh
Those glist'ning houses that seem to be built of snow
Oh, to see a mountain covered with a quilt of snow
What is Christmas with no snow
No white Christmas with no snow
I'll soon be there with snow
I'll wash my hair with snow
And with a spade of snow
I'll build a man that's made of snow
I'd love to stay up with you but I recommend a little shuteye
Go to sleep
I spent my first Christmas alone. And as I mentioned in my last entry, I'm very happy about it. Now that it's all said I'm done, I'm THRILLED about it. Many of you have been curious what I did with myself during this time. Here's a pictorial account...
This is my 10th Christmas season in NYC and 10th that I've wanted to see the NYC Ballet's "The Nutcracker". Tickets ain't cheap though and NO ONE ever wants to go with me. So Selby got me a ticket as my Christmas present. I went on Christmas Eve, and it was FANTASTIC!!
Me at Lincoln Center post-ballet
My friend Sal sent me my horoscope for the Christmas weekend which said to indulge in food and not stress about the calories. So I did just that. My Christmas morning breakfast consisted of biscuits and Nesquik.
Although afterward I went for a run...
Much of the day was spent hearing from family and friends. The ones of you who texted off and on made me realize how fortunate I am to have AMAZING friends.
Not to mention how lucky I am for this one (who DID NOT want her picture taken)
Funny how even opening presents by myself (via Skype with my mom and stepdad) creates a mess...
I met up with my friend Jeff and his boyfriend Stephen (who btdubs I COULD NOT love more). I failed to take pics of that gathering... friend failure.
I scored a ticket to "Donny & Marie: A Broadway Christmas" for Christmas night and had a hilarious time. They are such entertainers. I mean, seriously, 48 years of entertaining must brainwash it into them. While I did not exactly fit in with the rest of the crowd at the Marquis, it was definitely a good time.
Part of the reason I stayed here this year was because the past 3 years have presented massive travel difficulties either traveling to or from Arkansas... or both directions. Super glad I went with that gut instinct this year as NYC is in the midst of a hardcore blizzard!! Here's me as it was getting started... yes, this is the very front edge of the storm. I can't wait to commute to work tomorrow. I foresee jeans, a hoodie, and my super sexy zippy snow boots. If you're lucky, I'll snag a pic for your enjoyment.
Altogether a nice, reflective weekend - much needed. But when I went to Skype with my fabulous Mamaw and some of my family Christmas afternoon, my computer went kaput. I went ahead and called telling her I was about to throw the computer out the window. To which she informed me that that would do no good. I suppose she's right. RIP Dell Computer. You were a good friend (sometimes)...
Before the blizzard got too bad, Suzanne nudged me over the edge to head to the Apple Store. Thus, I am now a Mac owner. I have a lot to learn, but I'm already excited about my new baby here in my lap! It's sort of reminding me of the first morning after I had LASIK surgery - a bit unsure, a bit fuzzy, but instantly knowing the right decision was made!
Michael W. Smith said it so well - Friends are Friends Forever. Sing it, Michael. Sing it. So in honor of some of my amazing friends, I'm dedicating this blog to those of you who know just what to say and do whenever I need it. Sometimes before I even know myself. Here's a smattering of vids that I've been sent by some of the greatest... Some are meaningful to me, most are funny, and a few just make no sense at all.
This is what for realz looks like in case you didn't know.
What I wouldn't give to have sparks shoot out of my chest - figuratively or literally.
Her daddy taught her gooooooood.
Wow. All he wants for Christmas is you.
ALWAYS works on a bad day, without fail. Just try to not feel calm after watching this'n.
Never fails to make me laugh maniacally.
What did Merna do to receive this punishment?
I have no excuse to not run, or workout, or achieve a new goal of any kind...
If ever I have a child, let this type of creativity flow...
I've always had a difficult time with the concept of holidays being such an amazing thing. I primarily mean the end of the year ones, but really all of them. It's tough for me to comprehend days that are specified to tell us how to behave. Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, and Father's Day that tell us we have to show our love and appreciation. St. Patty's, 4th of July, and New Year's Eve that ask us to party into oblivion. Thanksgiving and Christmas that would like us to spend with our families.
For a single gal living in the city, these end of the year holidays are a mixed bag. After my birthday in mid-November (which I've deemed a national holiday in and of itself), the city lights up. It's beautiful and bright. It's cold enough to wear winter attire but usually not so frigid to hurt. We have the Rockefeller Center and Lincoln Center trees, the Macy's Parade, the Saks snowflakes, the Bryant Park shoppes & ice skating, the Charmin bathroom, and my favorite - The Rockettes at Radio City. The flip side is the insane number of tourists, working long hours as an accountant at the end of the calendar year, exorbitant airfares to get out of town, Christmas shopping without a car, and friends who leave town to visit their own families.
Speaking of the Charmin Bathroom, Suzanne and I were able to make a video this year. Being somewhat musically/choreographically inclined, we TOTALLY knew following the dance on the screen wouldn't be a problem for us. After all, we're awesome like whoa. We were quickly corrected. Enjoy...
I made the choice this year to stay here for both holidays. I could not be happier about my decision. While there is the potential for loneliness, it's a piece of cake considering the much-needed reflection time after the entirety of 2010. Also, I'm so blessed to have my own personal Christmas elf living in my house.
I've already started working on a post of what 2010 has taught me, but that'll come next week as the year draws to a close. I still have a 8 days of learning to go!!
I've been on a blogging hiatus. I could provide all the reasons, but the point is I'm back.
Quick catch-up... here's my past 6 weeks:
GOP takes over except in NYC; no promotion; winning a scavenger hunt; apple picking; Disney for my 32nd; Bday at Vintage; Thanksgiving (and Macy's balloons) in the best city on earth; 3am Black Friday fun; dealt with a bit of a break-up; 3rd Annual VOG Party; Suzanne gone for 2 weeks to ANTARCTICA; boy issues in the air... not just me; holiday blahs; office move to the 6th floor; frigid temps; trip to Kew Gardens; running resumed like a mad person...
Whew. Here's some pics.
Excited for apple picking...
Gays and Dolls - the most amazing scavengers in NYC
Thanksgiving Balloon Inflation!!!
I danced with Woody. A picture truly is worth 1000 words...
I'll expand on some of this soon. I've missed you. I'm finally coming back... in more ways than one.