Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I've decided I like messy better

I haven't shared much of my dating life in awhile.  And I decided it's probably time.

I spent a few months dating a great guy this fall.  Our time together was seriously fun, and then it started occurring to me that as wonderful as he is, we just weren't a good match.  Something wasn't sitting right, and I tried to chalk it up to my ENDLESS need to sabotage and run (see The Art of Overthinking).  But the gnawing feeling in my gut just kept saying, "Girl.  This isn't it."  I talked to him about it, decided not to waste any more time, and brought things to a close.

Since then I've had this freakishly strange peace about my life.  It's like I took a stand for what my gut was telling me even if the world around me didn't see it, and this is my reward for not forcing a fit.  Since any end of a relationship is sad, I worried the holidays would suck.  But it really was ok (see Ho Ho Ho).

Every relationship - EVERY relationship - is a learning experience.  Especially the romantic ones.  You learn what you want.  You learn what you don't want.  You learn what's important and what's unimportant.  You learn your dealbreakers.  You learn your requirements, both of yourself and of your partner.  You learn that focusing on minor insignificances is probably the sign of more urgent concerns.  You learn to decode those signs within yourself.

I learned with this particular relationship that the dealbreakers I knew existed for me were real and unwavering.  I learned that I personally cannot enter into something with the "OMG-I'm-32-and-single-and-have-to-find-someone" mentality.  That has NEVER been my style, but I tried it and realized why it doesn't work for me.  While a planner in life, I'm more of a go-with-the-flow kinda gal when it comes to guys - strange but true.  Men and women are different for many reasons, one being that I cannot read them.  And why should I have to, or try to?

So.  All that to say, I need to just be for a bit.  I don't want to NOT date.  And I definitely don't want to be single forever, but seeking out that "perfect one" in a world where I don't fully believe that exists is paradoxical and unproductive.  I like to flirt.  I enjoy "the game" to an extent.  I'm not "that" girl, so why try to fit into "that" mold?  While I need to remember how tough the game can be (see Random Thoughts on Dating), I also need to remember it's a game for a reason - there are often winners and sometimes you lose too.  I truly think in the midst of the game will come peace for me.

I hate when people ask "what are you looking for?" in the dating realm.  I like to see where dating leads.  That could be 1 horrific date that leads to amazing stories (i.e. Bagel Boy or Mermaids Patron).  Or it could be 4 terrific dates that lead to great memories and possibly a new friend.  Or that could be a long-term fella who I finally fall for.  So what am I looking for?  I'm looking to learn.  I'm looking to be.  And I may try this going with my gut thing for awhile and learn that I'm wrong.  But I'm open to that too.  I'm looking to ride the wave...

I've tried to play things safe.  I've tried to play the game I'm supposed to play.  I would say most of 2010, not just with the most recent guy.  I've tried fitting into the THAT girl mold.  It's just not who I am.  It's foreign and wrong to me.  I've decided I like messy better.  It's more realistic in my current place.  Not unnecessary drama, just a bit of the... off.  I said that to someone the other day who responded, "Ya know.  Off is often much less boring."  Yes.  Absolutely.  Boredom is my kryptonite.  Typical and traditional isn't my bag.  Send me a bit of a mess to work for...

Who knows, maybe I'm the mess the Universe is sending to me to work for...  Interesting thought...


  1. Love it. And I sympathize so much with this post. Being almost *gasp* 30 in gay world is like being 50.....and I feel much of what you are feeling. Love you girl.

  2. joy, got the urge to waste time on facebook (shock) and read the blog. you sound like a wise chick but then i always knew you were smart. hang onto to your beliefs and keep posting. who knows what you may find and i like to believe the joy is in the journey. xx kk